Turn Self-pity into Confidence and Connect to Inner Calm

by Solvita Bennett on June 25, 2011

Simple Ways on How to Turn Self-pity into Confidence and Connect to Your Inner Calm

"Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable."

Maya Angelou

… From time to time we love whining, complaining and self-pity…

Why do we love it so much? …The answer is simple…it just helps us to cope with a difficult situation. Is it giving us inner peace? Yes and No. Today I’m going to write about the way we can turn the Self-pity, which is actually what we do when whining or complaining, into self-confidence.

It is so natural for us to whine and complain as in our daily lives we hear it all around us. Since our early years as children we learn to whine and complain, so we can get what we want. However when we turn into adults, often these habits come with us. So we assume that in some way we can better ourselves by using the old tactics of a small, helpless and tearful child. I'm sure you know people, who seem to find many, many reasons to show their dissatisfaction and complain every time you meet with them :)

Well as long as you can actually recognize this habit in others and yourself, there is also the opportunity to challenge this. As the first step is to recognize yourself doing it, and also avoid the trap of people deliberately expecting you either to complain, whine or Self-pity.

…How can we recognize it? Well when you hear someone you meet telling you similar things like: “You look so tired!”, “You do so much for others, it’s time to take care of yourself!”, “Are you feeling OK?” It might be true, however, when these statements get addressed to you, what will be your response?…Well…you might start the 'Self-pity party' telling all the 'bad' things that happened to you and all the ‘bad’ people or circumstances making you that way. And suddenly feel like a little, helpless child rather than a powerful, peaceful, creative, responsible and advancing adult. If you find a person, who is actually supporting your 'Self-pity party' and start their own –  you lose your inner peace and happiness.

It is good to know that we can turn the Self-pity into confidence easily.

When we can decide to challenge ourselves and remove from the 'whining game', we will also see the power flowing through us and live the life from the place of contentment and power.

…It all starts with awareness, it is not bad to Self-pity, whine and complain, as long as you are not compromising the inner peace of yours and others :)

When you find support in pity from other people, don’t be fooled thinking that it will help you achieve your inner calm. In society you will always find support from other miserable people easily as the  misery loves company, you might find it makes you feel better. However it’s just a coping strategy, it’s not empowering and in the long run there are no benefits to you and others. Here I’ll give you some tips on how to turn Self-pity into confidence.

Simple Ways to turn Self-pity into Confidence

1. When you feel the desire to whine, go to the mirror and whine for about 3 minutes. It will help you let off the steam and at the same time you might find it amusing watching yourself doing it.

2. When you hear someone starting the 'complaining party', just start talking about things that are going well.

3. Find a good friend, who understands the negativity of whining and play the 'whining game' with fun. Take your turn to complain, just don’t take it too seriously. It is a great way to get negativity off your chest. It is also good if at the end you can list all the things that are good in your lives and you are appreciating.

4. When you find yourself in a company of people who are in the heat of complaining, excuse yourself and leave or stay if only you are able to be emotionally distant.

5. See if you can consciously watch yourself whining, complaining and Self-pitying for a week and journaling the times and subjects. It will help you to know yourself better and see how you could turn around this habit of regressive coping and move into habit of progressive self-growth and happiness.

"If it weren't the problem of politics for me, it would be another. And yet, sometimes it's so difficult. And I feel sorry for myself. And then hate myself for this feeling of self-pity."

Julie Nixon Eisenhower

There are much better ways to cope with a difficult situation than Self-pity. :) You can recognize the things that don’t go well in your life and it is good to do so, as it will show you what is currently not working and what you don’t like. It helps you then to identify much more clearly, what it is that you really want. As without knowing what you don’t like it’s so much harder to know what you do like.

Once you can identify what you do want, you can place your focus on that. When you place your focus on what you do want, it gives you confidence and you can find greater meaning in your life, start moving towards what you want rather than observing what you don’t and so see opportunities unfolding before you.

Deep down you are already confident, as it is your true nature. You are much more powerful than you think. From time to time we disconnect from this power, when focusing on things that we don’t like. Next week just see how you can turn your Self-pity into confidence and see your inner peace increase.

Please share your thoughts in the comment section below. I'd love to hear from you! :)

  Solvita Bennett is sharing her wisdom with people from different backgrounds to find their Inner Peace and Happiness. With more than 20 years of study and practice of Personal Growth coupled with more than 10 years experience in professional teaching gives her the ability to share her ‘Secrets to Inner Peace’ in a Simple, Easy and Practical way.

Research shows that more than 95% of people lead their lives with worry. Don’t let this happen to you! Get your FREE copy of her Special Report “7 MASTER KEYS TO SOLVE THE WORRY" now.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Rose Kirkland June 25, 2011

I love this article! Everything you say is true. I got so tickled with your first suggestion to go to the mirror and whine for 3 minutes. LOL! However, I do think that sometimes if is part of the grief process when we are working through a loss/change/transition in our lives. Everybody goes through times when we can’t always be enthusiastic about “everything”. However, we must get the anger and hurt feelings out verbally so that we can heal. The important thing is that we don’t stay in this state of ‘self-pity’. Great post…


Solvita Bennett June 25, 2011

Rose, thanks for stopping by! Yes- I so agree with you when you say, you have to verbally get out the anger and hurt, to be able to heal, where you as a counselor are doing a great job and I know you are great at it too! :)


Lou June 26, 2011

Hi Solvita great post again! Just noticed a typo in 1st section of Maya Angelou…..I’m sure you know people, who seam…. CHANGE WORD TO ‘SEEM’…. to find many, many reasons to show their dissatisfaction and complain every time you meet with them etc etc…

Loved it and yes LOL when standing in front of a mirror for 3 mins whining not very attractive I must say. Definitely focus on keeping calm and staying positive with any situation that should occur in one’s life and not to burden other people with your problems too. Yes it helps to have a supportive friend but not one who wallows in your self pity :)


Solvita Bennett June 26, 2011

Thanks Lou! Love the way you help me to spot the typo ;)…The perfection is too over rated! Very glad you enjoyed the post and yes a good friend, who can get you out of self-pity is the one you better hold on to :)


Carol Giambri June 27, 2011

Great post and I thought of “kick your self pity out the door” tips when I read on. Loved the tips and going to the mirror was just so cute, funny and real. Thanks for ways to get or keep the inner calm lifestyle in position.


Solvita Bennett June 27, 2011

Carol, it’s great to see you here! Yes- I think “kick your self pity out the door” sounds good … and the ‘mirror exercise’ puts all in perspective! Thank you! :)


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