How To Have Inner Peace While Going Through A Divorce

by Solvita Bennett on May 5, 2012

 

Dear Friend,

… It can be very painful to go through a break up or a divorce in our lives. How can we have Inner Positive Calm and Strength when faced with such an unfortunate situation? Today especially for YOU my Friend, I have invited the best Relationship and Mindset Specialist that I know, my wonderful friend Susan Preston to share with you some SECRETS and TIPS on how to successfully overcome challenges you may have

How To Have Inner Peace While Going Through A Divorce Or A Break Up…

By Susan Preston

… Yes, believe or not you can actually have Inner Peace while going through a break up or a divorce. In order to do so, you may have to change your mindset a bit. A lot of times, and I have seen this with my clients, they feel like they failed because their marriage is over. It is not that they failed, but in fact a lot of times it is because of the natures of the 2 people involved were either never aligned or for one reason or another they are not now.

Sometimes, due to a death of a loved one that one of the partners may have had to experience or simply the fact that one of them has just grown so much more then the other one, that the natures are no longer remotely aligned. A lot of times people change and are no longer needy like they might have been, but rather have soared to greater heights on their own. A lot of times, a couple grows apart and want different things for where they are at this time in their life.

… Almost 11 years ago, when I decided to leave my 1st marriage after almost 23 years, I felt this sense of inner peace that I hadn't felt in such a long time. I also realized at almost 44 years old, that I no longer needed my parents' approval or anyone else's for that matter but my own. That was such an 'AHA' moment for me.

Not only did I choose to get a divorce but I moved over 800 miles away right after 9/11 to a State where I knew maybe a couple of people as acquaintances. I felt so empowered and was ready to start my new journey. You see most of those 23 years I spent trying to please everybody, but myself. I had lost myself in trying to help my ex to be the best that he could be. It is very sad when you think about it. My ex and I actually went through a mediator rather than each hire our own attorney. We had a home and quite a bit of investments, etc. but we settled very amicably. So much in so, that we drove to the Court House together the morning of our divorce and that night before I was flying out to go back home in the morning, we took our sons out to dinner and to the Outlets shopping. Our boys were 16 and 20 at the time.

You might be thinking as you read this, well that is not how mine is going or if I ever chose to get a divorce it won't be that way. I am going to share how you can have your break up or divorce not be the ugly way that you hear how so many others have had going through it.

6 Tips On How To Have The Right Mindset To Have Inner Peace During This Challenging Time:

#1 Don't Play The Blame Game:

First of all, not only do you not want to blame your partner, but you do not want to beat yourself up, as well. Own what you could or could not have done while you were together and then let it go. If you are having a hard time with letting, ask yourself, "Did I do the best I could in any given situation with what knowledge that I had?" More then likely, the answer will be. 'Yes!' Forgive yourself as well as your partner. If you are not ready to forgive them, here is an exercise that may help:

Either write out or just think about what you really would want to say to them if you could. Then just let it all out. Now and this is the important part, release it and them. Let them both go! You do not want to hold onto those negative feelings. Then write or say to yourself, "I forgive you. I wish you the very best." Now if you feel that you owe them an apology and you are not ready to do that in person, you can use this technique to do it as well. Write or think about what you would say to them and then release it and let it go. At the end write or in your thoughts say, "I am sorry. Please forgive me." Now doesn't that feel better?

#2 Get Clear:

In your journal, write how you want your life to be. Get clear on what you really want. A great exercise to find out what you truly want is to draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. On the left side write out what you don't want and then go to the right hand column and put opposite of what you don't want. Remember not to focus for long on what you don't want, but rather use it as a tool to find out exactly what you want.

The more you focus on what you do want and get into the feeling of what your life would feel like having what you want, the quicker it can happen. Hold onto that Amazing feeling and when you get overwhelmed or discouraged tap into that feeling. Be grateful for where you are right now in your life even if it is not where you want it to be. Not only does it open your heart but to receive more, but things start to happen much faster as well. I have found when I have gratitude for the experience that adversity has given me, my life then goes to that next Extraordinary level.

#3 Be Your Own Support System:

By continually filling yourself up with love, joy, happiness, trust, respect, self-esteem, honor, worthiness and a Biggie; forgiveness you will become your own support system. Have you ever had a friend or maybe you have done it in the past where all that person did was talk about their soon to be ex. They couldn't get past it. When you are your own support system because you have filled yourself with all of the other goodies, you can now go to your other relationships with your children, extended family and friends and have more to give and share of the 'Best' you. Whatever support that they give you will only enhance what you already have given to yourself.

Also, what you might find is that as you are growing you may have friends that are stuck in the past and want to keep you there with them. They may not understand why the break up or divorce isn't shutting you down. You have to re-evaluate those relationships, as I did when I was going through mine.

I had a friend who wasn't happy in her marriage for many years and she had an issue with me deciding that I was no longer going to stay in mine. She tried to drag me down, but when I moved out of State I also had to leave her behind & release her in my thoughts. It is very important that you surround yourself with like-minded people who want to help lift you higher instead of holding you down or back as you heal.

#4 Live In The Now:

One of the ways of continually filling yourself up is to 'Live in the Now'! By living in the Now, you are not reliving the past and you are not just focused on the future. There are people who are so stuck in the past that they are just existing, you can't grow when you are. On the other hand, there are people who live just for the future and they have their lives all planned out. Now it is okay to take the golden nuggets from the past and use them in the present to help you grow even more so. You may want to model your behavior in the past that got you the results that you are looking for. The rest of the past that no longer serves you should be released. As far as the future, it is a great thing to have a plan for your business or plan a trip that you have been wanting to take, etc., but don't plan everything little detail in your life.

When you are living in the Now, everything will just fall into place how it is suppose to be. You will make decisions based on the present instead of the past or what you think might happen in the future. By living in the Now, it helps with a positive mindset because you aren't bringing into your life, your soon to be ex-partner did this or that to you kind of thinking. You are living each moment with what is right in front of you. Your decisions will be better and easier to make and they will be the right choices for you for where you are in your Amazing journey called life.

#5 Stay In The Now:

One of the best ways of staying in the Now is to meditate. It helps you to clear you mind and to be aware of where you are at this very moment. It also helps you to be centered and at your core of peace.

By writing in your journal every morning and writing out how you want your day to go, gives you not only the clarity but shifts your thinking to just that day. I suggest that my clients think of a 'Theme' word that they want to their day to be and make that their focus. If you want a day where you are prosperous, then you not only need to take effective action to make that happen, but you will also need to feed your subconscious prosperous thoughts and ones that are telling it that you already are.

#6 Nurture Yourself:

When life gets busy and hectic, take 5 minutes or more to let yourself just 'Be' to go to your favorite environment and perhaps sip on your favorite beverage and just let your mind wander. Don't think about all the things that you have to do or what might be going on, but rather savor those moments. By doing so, you start to rejuvenate yourself. If you work from home, this is even more vital to step away from your computer, your phone, etc. I do this at least a couple times a day if not more. I make myself my favorite tea and go on my front porch and just rock in my rocking chair. When you do go back to whatever it is that you are doing, you will find yourself ready to take on any new challenges that might come your way. I find that I get even more creative after doing so.

Also you might want to pray, meditate, do breathing exercises, yoga or whatever it is that helps you to get to get to that peaceful place inside of you. Journaling, along with some of the other things I suggested above also brings clarity and focus, not to mention a very peacefulness. I do all of these except for yoga everyday. When my day starts to slip away from me & get a bit overwhelming, I usually realize that I am missing not doing one or more of these and I immediately take the time to do so. Consider it your compass, and it will help you get to where you want to go without getting lost.

Also, to make yourself a priority rather than an option. When you fill yourself up with all those goodies and you are now a priority you will find that you will have a great inner peace. You will also find that you will be able to give and share more of yourself to others in your life. You want to thrive during this challenging time not just survive it. You deserve that and owe it to yourself. As you go through your journey know that you deserve the very best that life has to offer you.

… Realize that you are more then Enough. Even if it is your partner or spouse who wants the split, there is NOTHING WRONG with you. Most of the time, it isn't about the other partner at all, but rather the person wanting to leave has grown and may just want different things.

… You are absolutely Amazing! Now, go out and create yourself and your life…there is a Big world waiting for you to tap into your true Magnificence and Step into your Greatness and Shine!!!

Let's do this together! :)

Now is your turn, please share your thoughts, concerns or stories in the comment section below. I’d love to hear from you.

________________________________

Are you having relationship problems or having challenges with mastering your mindset right now?  If you would like more help with this, Susan would love  to help. Click on "Free Consultation" and Susan will give a free 30 minute consultation to answer any pressing questions that you may have to get you started.

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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

Eva Blaskovic May 5, 2012

Very powerful, Solvita. And so close to home. Even the age.

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Solvita Bennett May 5, 2012

I agree Eva, Susan is such an amazing relationship and mindset expert… and her message is always so transparent and close to home, it makes a powerful read and especially the tips she shares… work wonders! Thank you for your comment, appreciate you stopped by! :)

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Susan McKenzie May 5, 2012

The Scenario Susan describes sounds as peaceful as it can possibly be, and “staying in the now” is a very good word of advice, leaping out at me, right now.

I think of all the women who are, right at this moment, going through divorces out of necessity, even to save their lives. They are continually beaten down, threatened, and bullied. These women are professionals – I know a principal of a school, a ballerina, a business woman….

They are rational women trying to extricate themselves out of irrational marriages. Sometimes it’s all they can do to just breathe.

I know it’s possible to come to peace, to be your own support system, or at least your number one supporter, but it can sure be a process when your life is threatened. I’ve found that it’s good to speak up, when you’re threatened.

I believe there is a lot of wisdom and sound counsel in this article, but if you find yourself in a position of being physically or psychologically tormented it’s good to find help. In some cases, it’s impossible to dissolve a marriage peacefully. Nevertheless, if you can, Susan’s method sounds ideal!

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Solvita Bennett May 7, 2012

Absolutely agree with you Susan, when life is threatened, outside help is the first and the best option without the doubt… This article is aimed for inner self-help, which is the bases of the right mindset and builds up the strength necessary to ease such a difficult time as a break up or a divorce. Thank you so much for taking time and sharing your insightful thoughts with others! :)

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denny hagel May 6, 2012

Thanks for sharing this…such an important topic with divorce so prevalent in our society today…not only will these excellent tips help the adults but the impact on the children will be immeasurable! Great article!

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Solvita Bennett May 7, 2012

Thank you Denny! Children pick up emotions from parents and feel very vulnerable in times of a conflict in family… to the point that they can even take on the guilt, blame, unworthiness and want to fix something, they never broke in the first place…Thank you for stopping by, appreciate your comment as always!

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Claudia Looi May 6, 2012

Great article. I see women in church who feel guilty after a painful divorce and have great difficulty going through the forgiveness process and achieving inner peace.

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Solvita Bennett May 7, 2012

Thank you Claudia. This is so true… the self-worth is the first thing, which needs to be worked on. Life is full of challenges and freedom, inner peace and positive mindset is birthright for every one on this planet and beyond… Thank you for commenting! Have an amazing day! :)

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Carol Giambri May 7, 2012

Great tips shared. I wish my friend’s son had read this recently before his recent death and almost the death of his two kids. They were close to a divorce and left the car on for hours in the garage, the gas car upstairs ended in the house in flames and all 3 taken to the hospital. Kids alive: 20 months and 6 years old. 28 and he’s gone.

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Dear Carol, this a very sad story you just shared… well heartbreak can be the biggest pain we can experience, as it is to do with our emotions and feelings. This is why it is so important to make sure we take care of ourselves and don’t get too far…. Thank you so much for your comment, we appreciate it!

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Lorii Abela May 8, 2012

Great article. Truly, life is full of challenges. And I want to thank you sharing these tips on how to have right mindset during those hard times.

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Life is full of challenges, the way we can deal with them makes all the difference! Thank you Lorii! :)

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Claudia May 8, 2012

Wonderful post. I know just the person to share it with!! :)

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Thank you Claudia! Appreciate you sharing this important message with others!

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elizabeth Maness May 8, 2012

these are great tips and can apply to so many things that we go through that are hard! Awesome Post! I love it!

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Thank you Liz! :)

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liz May 8, 2012

I love this post and it would be a great guest post of my blog. It’s a tough time in the lives of people and not easy to get over! I would love to share it with my readers!

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Thank you Liz, we all need support and caring from ourselves and others when we are faced with break up or divorce…

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Barbara Peters May 8, 2012

I work hard trying to keep my couples from getting to this point but at times there is no way to repair and divorce is coming. Thank you for sharing great tips and insights for people going through this hard event.

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Absolutely, there are situations that the best solution is divorce, regardless of how hard we try. Thank you Barbara!

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Ruth Hegarty, Creature Good May 8, 2012

There is such wisdom here. These six mindsets can be a powerful support for people grieving a marriage – and most likely other situations as well.

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Thank you Ruth, yes I love what Susan shared, she is full of wisdom and motivation! :)

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Martha Giffen May 9, 2012

This is great advice in general for how to have a healthy, happy, balanced life. Divorce or no divorce, we are all faced at some point with adversity. This post is perfect to learning how to deal with it. Thanks!

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Absolutely Martha, we all are faces with adversity… There are many people who at some point had a heartbreak in their lives and Susan’s advice is so great! Thank you for stopping by! :)

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Helena May 9, 2012

These are great tips Susan and Solvita! Love the advice to be your own support system. You have to do what is best for you, regardless of what other people think. They don’t live your life, they don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, and they are not you.

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Thank you Lena! I can only agree with you! Thank you so much for your insightful comment!

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Lisa Birnesser May 9, 2012

Wow, that was such a powerful article, Susan. Thank you for sharing your experience. I agree it’s important for everyone to know that divorce doesn’t need to be an ugly situation. I resonated with the first paragraph about the blame game. Underneath all of the anger is a wound to heal. Forgiveness is the key in my experience as well. Thank you Susan and Solvita.

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Thank you Lisa! There is a wound to heal and it takes time to heal it. With loving care towards ourselves we are able to move forwards and leave the painful past behind.

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Sally K Witt, Social Media and Ministry May 9, 2012

The trauma of a negative relationship can follow someone their whole life. It is good to heal and find a way to move forward in a positive way.

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Thank you Sally! Absolutely and Susan provides us with wonderful and powerful tools to do it.

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Anita May 9, 2012

Great read. I have a friend going through a divorce and will pass it on:)

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Solvita Bennett May 12, 2012

Thank Anita you for passing it on, this is such an important subject for those in a situation of a divorce or break up.

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DianeDP May 16, 2012

This is the kind of uber-useful article that makes blogging so deeply satisfying. A few minutes of reading this advice, and my day is turned around. I think you were talking to me….

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Solvita Bennett April 22, 2013

Thank you so much Diane! So great to see you here! :)

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Kristen April 11, 2013

Thank you for your positive advice and after reading it it has helped me come to closer and take a deep breath in and release all the negative feelings and memories of the past in my marriage. And to move forward. Its the first day of the rest of my life. Thank you!!

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Solvita Bennett April 22, 2013

Thank you for finding my blog and benefiting from it! Appreciate your comment. See you back soon!

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